I’ve been thinking this week about my pronounced fear of uncertainty. I am an almost compulsive planner. I like to know where I’m going. I like to know how many miles it is, and I really like to know that I’m going to have enough water. This fear of uncertainty unquestionably bleeds out into the wider parts of my life, beyond adventuring. How long should I stay at this job? What if I need to leave? Won’t I be disappointing people and going back on my word? Won’t I be burning bridges? How do I decide what to do with my life? What if I make the wrong decision?
I guess I’m showing my shit here, but, as Brené Brown says, (to paraphrase) becoming wholehearted is partly the willingness to show up and been seen.
After reading “You Don’t Have to Go Inside Just Because It’s Dark,” I realized that I TOTALLY DO THINK I HAVE TO GO INSIDE ONCE IT’S DARK OUTSIDE. Only when I’m alone. Why is that? I’m strongly questioning this, and I can’t help but draw the metaphor back to this overall fear of uncertainty that I have.
The antidote to fear of the dark (literal and non-literal, I’m thinking) according to Brown is gratitude and joy. Okay, not so easy a metaphorical connection there. BUT. The way to battle fear of uncertainty is through the cultivation of intuition and trusting “faith,” or what I’ll call “oneself.”
So. Here’s what I’m thinking. It’s time for me to go into the dark on my own a little more. And I mean the literal dark here. It’s time to do some solo backpacking nights, to take walks after the sun goes down, to become comfortable alone in the literal dark, to go towards this thing that scares me. Maybe I’ll eventually learn to trust myself.