You may or may not remember another gif-themed blog post from about this time last year about my decision to apply to graduate school. You may also remember that I did not succeed in my applications, and therefore I am faced with another year of figuring out what to do with myself.
Life is sometimes hard, but overall mine is very blessed.
I remember a time shortly after I graduated from my bacherlor’s degree when I felt completely lost in what to do next. My life was an open book of opportunity and possibility, yet I was always able to find endless reasons to NOT do a thing I was potentially interested in doing. I was never quite qualified enough for that job, and besides, did I even really want that job? What if the job made me stay in a place when I didn’t really want to? What if I ended up not liking the job? What if I wasn’t good enough for the job?
The last question of good enough was the real kicker. Instead of staying “It just doesn’t matter” and just scattering the seeds of possibility, I was frozen by the unbearable vulnerability of putting my name into the game.
I have found myself at another moment of open possibility. I am not going to school in the Fall, so what do I want to do? What do I need to do? I once again go to the job searching sites and scan the jobs available based on my interests. No, I don’t want to move to Maryland for that one farm educator job. No, I’m not strictly qualified for that ecological designer job that I’m really interested in. No, I’m not sure if re-applying for school is what I’m ready for.
But you know what? I’ve decided the hell with all that shit. If I just scatter the seeds, apply to everything I can apply for that is a remotely interesting possibility, put myself out there for the things I’m interested in, something’s bound to grow, right? I think this is what some people call “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I’m no longer attaching my self worth to every job application I send off. I’ll put my energy and time and respect and focus in, for sure. But who I am and my intristic worthiness is not determined by the result.
This lesson has taken me a full five years to learn, remember, and practice.
Thanks for the reminder, Aaliyah.